


almost pretend

by maybankiara (juggyjones)



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Pining, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24935140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juggyjones/pseuds/maybankiara
Summary: She doesn’t think about how easy it is to slip into the relationship personas. She doesn’t think about how natural it feels to walk up to her parents for a quick chat with JJ’s fingers playing with hers. She doesn’t think about how nobody ever questions it.(Maybe she should.)— in which kiara asks jj to pretend to be her boyfriend for midsummers, except things turn out to be a little more complicated than that.
Relationships: Background Sarah Cameron/John B. Routledge, JJ Maybank/Kiara Carrera, Kiara Carrera & JJ Maybank & John B. Routledge & Pope Heyward, Kiara Carrera & Sarah Cameron
Comments: 38
Kudos: 194





	1. midsummers

one: midsummers

Summer is Kiara’s favourite season. It’s got the long days, nearly all of which she can spend with the pogues, and her parents generally go on a short vacation every few weeks or so. There’s no school or classes, no real responsibilities aside from helping out at the Wreck, and it’s the time when Kiara’s life makes a little bit more sense than usually. 

Aside from, naturally, Midsummers. 

‘I’ll take extra shifts at the Wreck,’ offers Kiara. ‘I’ll work seven days instead of five. Or full eight hours instead of four.’

Her mother sighs and shoots Kiara a scolding glare, walking into her room. She places a dress on the queen-sized bed and smoothes out the creases on it. ‘You know how hard your father and I have worked to be a part of this. You’ll enjoy it.’

‘Will I, now.’ Kiara spins around, no longer looking at her mother from the mirror. ‘It’s just one night.’

‘Exactly. One night is all I’m asking from you.’

Kiara’s lips are pursed and hands on her waist. She’s a little taller than her mother, but it’s the older woman who’s holding her own in this situation. Her eyes fall to the dress – it’s lavender silk, simple yet elegant, and Kiara knows it fits her perfectly because she’s the one who picked it, months ago. 

It’s her turn to sigh, now. ‘Fine.’

A bright smile graces her mother’s lips, despite the fact that both women knew Kiara would give in, eventually. Her mother knows how to guilt her into things, and Kiara can’t argue the fact that it really _is_ just one night. 

Anna Carrera approaches her only daughter and tucks some stray hairs behind Kiara’s ears, until the girl tells her it’s her hairstyle, and it’s meant to be that way.

‘You already look gorgeous,’ says Anna. ‘I can’t wait to see the reaction on boys’ faces. My little Kiara, all grown up.’

‘I’m still sixteen, mom.’ 

‘But you’re not my little girl. You haven’t been my little girl for a while now.’

‘ _Stop._ ’ Kiara sits down in front of her vanity and begins preparing her makeup. Her mother’s standing behind her, giving her the same smile she has when looking at old photographs. ‘No need to get all nostalgic on me just yet.’

This particular thing is the exact reason why Kiara doesn’t like Midsummers, or the kooks, or Figure Eight – it’s all very nostalgic and very uptight, privileged and pretentious. She’s sixteen and her mother is already mourning her youth. 

‘I was sixteen when I met your father. We were young, and in love, and—’

‘And casted out because he wasn’t someone that your people liked,’ Kiara cuts in.

Anna pats her daughter’s shoulders, playing with her hair again. ‘Times are different now. Besides, whoever you find, is going to fit in just right. You know, there will be plenty of kind and respectable boys at the festivities tonight. Ward Cameron is getting knighted as the Knight of Rhododendron and his son Rafe is quite a handsome young man.’

Kiara stares at her mother through the mirror. ‘Please tell me you’re not actually trying to set me up with someone.’

‘Of course not. But would it be such a bad thing if I was?’

‘ _Yes_.’

‘Why?’ asks Anna, and based on the genuine expression on her face, Kiara realises that her mother doesn’t actually see anything inherently wrong with that. 

She feels her cheeks burning. ‘Because – because I’ve already got someone.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Who is it? How come you haven’t told us?’

‘You’ll meet him tonight,’ Kiara tells her. ‘He’s coming to Midsummers.’

—

In Kiara’s defense, or at least she thinks it’s defense enough, it’s an idea that could not only save her night from becoming a disaster, but also work incredibly well for the pogues. With a few hours left to spare before the Carreras are due to appear at the country club, Kiara texts the person she knows would be perfect for this. 

Because, as it happens to be, Kiara does _not_ have someone. Despite her mother’s burning desire to know the identity of her daughter’s boyfriend, she doesn’t find out anything more that she already did. Mostly because there is no actual information, but also because Kiara can’t mess this up. 

As Kiara sits on her bed, about to slip into her dress and begin the final preparations—those include an “impromptu” photosession with her family and drinking some alcohol to ease her nerves—her phone’s beside her, the screen black. All she needs is a text. 

It’s a good plan. It’s going to work out in everybody’s favour. Really, she’s only trying to figure out why no one thought of it sooner. 

Her phone screen lights up with a text and she opens it. 

_JJ [4:53pm]_ **are u being fucking serious right now**

Kiara feels like _maybe_ she should explain the **hey do you wanna be my fake boyfriend for Midsummers tonight** that was only followed by **free booze!!** , so she presses the call button. 

JJ answers immediately. ‘What the fuck, Kie?’

‘My mom was pestering me about boys she’d introduce me to tonight’—half a lie, more of a prevented situation—‘and I thought you could be my plus one as John B and Pope are both going to be there too’—something that she only realised _after_ saying she has a boyfriend—‘and I could really use your company for the night.’

The last thing is nothing but truth.

She hears him sigh. She can picture him running his hands through his wind-swept hair, messing it up even more. There’s probably a lit joint between his fingers.

‘Come on, it’ll be more fun if we’re all there!’ 

‘Fake dating,’ he deadpans.

Kiara makes a grimace. She rubs her forehead with the back of her hand as she tries to come up with a decent answer. ‘I’m sorry about that one.’

For the record, she is. If JJ asks—and she hopes he won’t—she’ll tell him that he’s the only possibility as John B is already going to Midsummers with Sarah Cameron, who he started dating a few months prior and this is supposed to be their big coming out. Pope, who’s the other option, is working there with his dad. It only leaves JJ, as none of the other boys she knows would even hold a candle to her closest friend. 

She wouldn’t tell him that his face popped up in her mind the moment she told her mother about her “boyfriend”. _Obviously_ , it was because of the reasons she keeps listing in her head.

He’s awfully quiet. It’s atypical of him – Kiara begins to wonder if that was maybe too much. ‘Look, you just need to hang out with me and I don’t know, hug me once or twice.’

‘I hug you all the time anyway.’

‘See?’ Kiara chirps up. ‘It’ll be just like every other day. Except in front of my parents.’

‘And a bunch of kooks.’

‘Free booze,’ she counters. 

‘Hm.’ She hears him biting at his nails, even through the phone. He’s not the world’s quietest chewer – or, well, quietest _anything_. ‘Do I need to kiss you?’

‘Oh no, that’s totally off the table. My dad would probably kill you if we showed too much PDA. Or my mom.’ Kiara chuckles at the thought. ‘Whoever gets to you first.’

‘Shame. I was kind of looking forward to it.’

‘Shut up, JJ. Be at mine by quarter to six. If you need a suit, there’s an old one of my dad’s that will fit you and he won’t mind you using it.’

‘I’ve got my own suit. But you owe me big time, Carrera.’

Kiara scoffs. ‘I’m getting you free food and booze, I don’t owe you shit.’

‘Whatever. See you in a bit.’

He hangs up before she can tell him to take a shower beforehand, and now she can only hope he’s got half a mind to do it. 

It takes about a minute for the realisation that JJ is going to be her fake boyfriend for the night to sink in. She smiles, wide and bright, and feels excitement overtaking her chest – suddenly the idea of going to a stupid Figure Eight wealth-showoff doesn’t seem so unappealing anymore. 

She’s breathing for the first time in what feels like hours, even though it’s only been half an hour since the conversation with her mother. Her makeup’s half done, the dress is still laid on her bed, and she’s got a way to trick her family into letting her spend the night with her best friend. 

It doesn’t cross her mind that her family have never met JJ and that he might not be their type, or that they might outright not like him. 

Kiara’s got no worries. This night is going to go great, so when she gets back to doing her makeup, she does it with a smile on her face. 

—

As it should’ve been expected, her parents make a big deal out of JJ coming over. 

Kiara hears the commotion from her room moments after JJ texts her he’s arrived. The plan was to sneak him in, make sure that he’s actually ready to go to a rich posh people party, but she’s intercepted by her father inviting him in. 

She sneaks out of her room, until she remembers that she’s not hiding. 

‘Nothing matters more to me than Kiara’s happiness, Mr. Carrera,’ she hears JJ say. 

Kiara stops in her tracks. It’s JJ’s nice voice, the one he uses to charm people he’s trying to get something from. The realisation releases some tension in her shoulders and she walks down the stairs gracefully, with a smile. 

‘Hi,’ she says.

Her father and JJ are both standing in front of the main door. Mike Carrera has his hands on his hips, a mildly curious look on his face, and not a single death glare sent to JJ’s direction. 

JJ, on the other hand, is staring at Kiara with a smile that mirrors her own – only half fake in the sense that there’s adoration behind it. He cleans up well, better than expected. The tux he’s wearing must be his dad’s because it doesn’t fit him just the right way, but nothing people would point out. It’s black and elegant, with a nice little lavender tie to go with it (Kiara had texted him the colour of her dress and they were both elated to find out he’s got a matching tie). His hair looks as if it had been slicked back with gel, and then he ran his hands through it enough times to not make it look like Rafe Cameron’s.

It’s a good look. 

‘Hey,’ he says back. 

Kiara walks up to him and presses a kiss against his cheek. They’ve done this a million times and it doesn’t even feel out of place when JJ places a hand around her waist, pulling her into a hug. 

‘You look stunning,’ he tells her.

Heat rushes to her cheeks, unexpectedly; her eyes look at JJ’s, but all she can find in them is honesty. 

‘You look nice, too.’

‘Alright,’ says Mike, ‘we’re starting with the photos in ten. Your mom’s got some final touch-ups to do.’

Kiara nods. JJ’s hand at her waist feels as if it were leaving a burning imprint in her skin. Touches like these are a thing that comes in package with the boy, but never for so long.

His hand drops when she takes him upstairs, into her room. Mike makes a comment about keeping the door open and they leave it open, despite the fact that she’s the only one on the top floor, and no one can hear them, anyway. 

JJ plops down on her bed, spreading like a starfish, and Kiara realises she’s having a lot of trouble picturing JJ in her bed, even though she’s literally looking at him. 

‘I’m sweating.’ He raises an arm and sniffs his armpits shaking his head. ‘Doesn’t stink. Your old man was about to send me to the military before you came.’

She sits down on the chair in front of her vanity, doing the final touch-ups. ‘Was he, now?’

‘I swear. Your dad is scary.’

‘You’ll warm up to him.’ A bobby pin in her hand freezes midway to her hair when she realises how her words must’ve come off, because JJ freezes, too. ‘I didn’t – I meant like friends. We’re friends. He’s going to have to know you eventually.’

From the bed, JJ laughs. ‘I know what you meant.’

If his statement was meant to be reassuring, it isn’t, because Kiara can notice how his voice sounded a little unsure, a little (a lot) like her own, moments before. 

She puts the bobby pin in her hair, tucking away one of those strands her mother told her looked a little too messy, and turns around to the boy on her bed. 

‘It’s just for one night. I promise.’

He stands up from the bed and smoothes the wrinkles on his three-piece, twirling in front of the mirror. ‘I don’t mind pretending to be your boyfriend if it comes with free food and free booze.’

‘And I’m very happy to hear that.’

JJ doesn’t say much as she pins her hair into its place. Some of the curls are running away and the baby hairs framing her face just won’t do whatever she wants them to. It’s a bit of a hassle, but it’s not her who minds them, anyway. Kiara likes her hair like this, a little messier than the girls from Figure Eight would wear it. 

She’s aware of JJ’s eyes on her. He’s back on the bed, sitting on it this time instead of lying spread all over it, and he’s looking at her through the mirror. It’s unashamed, just like anything he does. If it were anyone else, she would feel disturbed, or observed, but she doesn’t.

She feels calm. 

Her dad calls her name and tells her to get down in five minutes. It’s already nearing six and they’ll have to cut the photos short if they don’t want to be late, but Kiara doesn’t mind. This is no different than any other time they’ve taken photos as a family. 

She walks to the mirror in front of JJ when she’s done, twirling in place just like he did before. In the mirror, she likes the way she looks, but when she turns to JJ, she can’t read him. 

Kiara frowns. Her hands hold the material, fingers trailing over her curves, trying to see if there’s anything off about the dress. ‘It looks tacky, doesn’t it?’

‘It looks amazing.’

JJ is smiling when she looks at him. His eyes are bright and lips wide and it’s a smile she hasn’t seen in a while, and she likes it. They’re gentle; JJ isn’t gentle often. 

‘Thank you,’ she tells him, taking a seat at his side. The mattress shifts underneath her and it feels odd with two people on it. ‘For everything. I wouldn’t have survived tonight without you.’

‘You don’t know that. The night hasn’t even started.’

She says his name, chuckling lightly. ‘I know how it’s going to go, though. Anyway, that’s not the point. I want you to know that I really appreciate what you’re doing for me.’

JJ slips a hand around her shoulder and pulls her into his side. It’s a movement as easy as breathing – Kiara wasn’t joking when she told him JJ’s touchiness already makes him seem like he’s dating just about everyone he’s close with. 

She leans into him the way she’s done countless times before. The only difference is that her cheek is against a fabric that smells equal parts old and unused, and saltwater, sweat, and whatever cologne JJ is using. 

‘Anytime, Kie.’

_you’re too kind,_ she thinks, and she can see the thought written all over her face in the mirror. 

‘I meant what I said earlier,’ she tells him. ‘You do look really nice.’

‘Simp,’ says JJ.

Kiara sees him grin in the mirror and it’s so overconfident and so like JJ that even if she pretends she’s annoyed by the comment, she’s looking forward to spending the rest of the night with him by her side.

She reaches under the bed and takes out a bottle that looks inconspicuously like water, yet when she untwists the cap, it smells like lemonade and vodka. 

‘Damn, dude.’

Kiara takes a swig and passes it to JJ. ‘Liquid courage.’

They pass it back and forth until they both start to feel the buzz, feeling ready to take on whatever the night throws at them.

—

They should’ve known that things couldn’t go so smoothly. Kiara sets one of the photos her parents took of her and JJ as her lockscreen (they’re standing with their bodies pressed together, his hand modestly around her waist and his lips against her cheek) and sends them all to the pogues’ group chat, and it’s supposed to be a funny thing. They really _do_ look like a couple, unbelievably so, and she thinks Pope, John B and Sarah would find it funny, too, since they’re in on the whole thing. 

Except it apparently reminds Pope that he forgot to tell them his dad sacked him for the night because of their last night’s antics, which then reminds John B and Sarah that they meant to ditch Midsummers and go to John B’s, instead. 

JJ shows her the texts in the car. The look he gives her is part panicked, part excited. ‘It’s going to be just us.’

A soft curse passes her lips. ‘I shouldn’t have dragged you into this.’

‘Are you saying that just because John B and Pope won’t be there, I won’t have fun?’ JJ sees the look on her face and snickers, slinging an arm around her shoulder. ‘You’re alright, Kie. I also like to mess with the rich bastards whenever I can and I think I’ll get a _plethora_ of that.’

Kiara laughs and pushes him, lightly, until his hand drops from her shoulder. ‘Were you studying for the SATs?’

‘Maybe. Okay, fine. I was.’

‘Nerd.’

‘You’re a bigger nerd who knows what “plethora” means even without studying for the SATs,’ counters JJ. 

Kiara just shakes her head, gets into his face, and whispers, ‘ _Nerd_.’

Her parents pull into the driveway of the venue and the kids’ attention is taken elsewhere. The place is big and posh and screams with wealth and pretentiousness. It’s a place where she’s been to more than a handful of times and this has occurred to her before, but now, looking at JJ’s pushed-back disdain, she feels as if she sees it from a different perspective. 

She suppresses the urge to apologise. It’s not her fault. 

Mike leads them around the venue, greeting a few people on their way. Most of them are middle-aged men in suits that all look alike, and even the tight-lipped smile they each give the Carreras is trained. 

Kiara feels JJ’s hand brush against hers. He gives her a slight reassuring nod – she wonders if he can tell what she’s thinking. 

The Carreras might live on Figure Eight, they might be members of the kook club, but she doesn’t know if they’ll ever be a part of their society. 

She takes JJ’s hand without thinking. He squeezes it immediately, shuffles closer as they begin walking through a crowd, and he’s the one to interlace their fingers. The feeling of his heartbeat against her wrist calms her, reminds her that she doesn’t give a fuck what any of these people think about her. 

Her mother introduces them to a couple whose faces Kiara recalls from last year’s Midsummers. 

‘You remember my daughter, Kiara,’ Anna tells them, ‘and this is her boyfriend, John Maybank.’

‘Maybank? As in Luke Maybank?’ 

‘Yes, sir.’ JJ’s grip on Kiara’s hand stiffens just the slightest bit – if it wasn’t for that, Kiara wouldn’t be able to tell anything’s wrong. Her thumb runs over his hand as she squeezes it. ‘Luke’s my father.’

The man—Robinson? Elliot Robinson?—slaps JJ on the back as if they were old friends, throwing an arm around him. ‘He and I were friends back in the day. Oh, the man is a legend!’

JJ’s hand releases Kiara’s as Robinson drags him away, blabbering away some nonsense about his father. He glances and Kiara and she mutters an apology, but she can’t tell if he got it. 

Her chest is heavy, even when Robinson’s wife turns to her and tells her she looks lovely. 

‘Thank you, Mrs. Robinson. I love your dress.’

‘Oh, you do? It’s a Stella McCartney dress, I thought I would go a bit low on the cost this year,’ says Mrs. Robinson, smiling at Kiara and her mother as if she’s done a great sacrifice. ‘You know, saving the world and all that.’

All Kiara does is smile, and even that is burning a hole in her soul. She spends weeks every summer helping turtles hatch, she only ever uses metal straws, she posts about the environment, racial injustice, classism, even does research on these topics in her spare times to educate herself and the people around her – and people like Vanessa Robinson think they’re saving the world by buying a dress that no normal person could afford, anyway.

She thought she’d have JJ by her side. Instead, she’s stuck with her mother who’s trying to suck up to this woman, her dad’s off with some friends of his, and JJ was stolen by a man who’s going to hog his ears with stories about his abusive father until someone stops him. 

Attending Midsummers was a bad decision and Kiara is starting to feel it.

Also – did her dad introduce JJ as _John?_

—

Kiara spends most of the time being moody. Her mother is introducing her to all the important women and as it turns out, JJ is quite a hit with the kooks – she barely gets a chance to exchange a word with him before someone is stepping in between them, asking if he’s ‘the John so-and-so just told me about?’

_No,_ she always thinks, _you can’t borrow him for a second._

It’s never just a second. 

That’s, roughly, how Kiara ends up alone at the bar. Her original plan was to go to Pope’s dad and ask how he’s doing, but one glare from him told her that it’s not a good idea. Aside from Sarah, she doesn’t know any of the kooks her age aside from their names. 

Sarah, and Rafe Cameron. She always forgets about him, unless he’s getting into her personal space looking all self-satisfied and coy. 

‘Hey, Kie.’ 

‘Rafe.’

He leans against the bar, ordering two cocktails Kiara has never heard of before. He’s Ward’s son, and Ward just had his big walk half an hour ago, so obviously they’ll let his son order alcohol underage.

More to add to her list of things that have annoyed her so far. 

The bartender places two glasses on the bar, each of them a calming shade of orange with three ice cubes in it and a tiny umbrella at the top. Rafe slides her one and she takes it, reluctantly. 

‘I’ve heard you’ve got a boyfriend now,’ he notes, walking toward one of the tables. ‘One of the pogues.’

‘Mhm.’

Kiara sips on the cocktail, glancing through the crowd for the sign of a messy-haired blonde with a bright smile and hands in his pockets, since he can’t keep them in place if they’re in the open. 

‘Is it a serious thing?’ Rafe asks. ‘Or like, just hooking up with your friend?’

‘It’s serious.’ She shoots him a glare, shifting in her seat until she’s facing him. ‘We’re serious.’

‘Are you going to marry him?’

She nearly spits out her drink, but manages to catch herself in the very last moment. ‘Are you being serious right now?’

Rafe shrugs, innocently, but his smile is telling another story. It’s just like his hair – sleazy and making her uncomfortable. ‘I’m just looking out for you. Don’t want you to get your heart hurt, is all.’

‘My heart is alright without you looking after it, thanks.’

He doesn’t respond and Kiara knows she should leave, except she’s got nowhere to go. Wherever she looks it’s where her fake boyfriend _isn’t_ and she most clearly isn’t going to walk up to either of her parents while they’re doing the most to be a little more accepted. 

Besides, she hates to admit it, but Rafe isn’t too bad. Back when she and Sarah were best friends and she wasn’t dating John B, Kiara spent a lot of time at the Camerons’ house. Rafe wasn’t someone she got to know well, but she knows enough. 

She might find him sleazy and all, but that’s mostly stemming from the fact that he was her mother’s prime candidate for Kiara’s boyfriend mere hours ago. 

‘Hey, Rafe. I’m just going to borrow my girlfriend for a bit if you don’t mind,’ she heard JJ say, in a voice that clearly stated he doesn’t give a shit whether Rafe minds or not. 

The rich blond doesn’t get the chance to protest before JJ’s got a hand in Kiara’s and is pulling her away from the table. Kiara only gets to grab her cocktail, down it, and place it back on the table with a wide grin sent in Rafe’s direction. 

JJ drags her into the crowd and interlaces their fingers. She catches him smiling and giving a two-finger wave to some of the people he must’ve met. 

It’s odd, but whatever game he’s playing, he’s good at it. 

He takes her to the ocean. The party feels far away, white noise blending with the sound of the soft waves crushing. Kiara is quiet. 

‘Are you okay?’ asks JJ.

She nods. Her hands rub her upper arms, both out of slight cold and slight discomfort. ‘You?’

JJ smiles, only it doesn’t reach his eyes. ‘Yeah. It’s a – it’s a bit weird. Turns out a lot of them knew my old man. You know, when he wasn’t…’ 

The end of the sentence hangs in the chilly air between them. Kiara walks over and pulls him into a side hug, resting her cheek on her shoulders. She wants to apologise again, to say that she had no idea, but she knows JJ does better with actions rather than words. Instead she just holds onto him, letting him have a moment of peace – likely the first one since they’ve arrived. 

After a few minutes, a thought pops into her head. ‘John?’

‘Yeah?’ JJ answers, then laughs. ‘Yeah, my name’s John.’

‘I didn’t know.’

‘It’s not like I talk about it. I’ve been JJ for as long as I can remember. It was my mom’s nickname for me, and then when I met John B, it was easier to go by JJ.’

Kiara wonders if the mention of his mom was an accident, or provoked by all the talk about his dad. She wonders, but she doesn’t ask. 

(There’s a lot of things Kiara doesn’t ask about. Most of the time, she waits for JJ to tell her without her prompting. Sometimes he thinks that’s why they’re so close.)

‘I like JJ better.’

‘Me, too.’ She hears a smile in her voice. It’s reassuring. ‘I’m sorry about not being there for you tonight. I got caught up. It’s not an excuse, but…’

‘It’s okay. I lived,’ Kiara says. She understands it better than he thinks – the kook world hasn’t been her whole life and she, too, was fascinated when she first stepped into it. ‘You’ll redeem yourself by spending the rest of the night with me.’

JJ squeezes her shoulder and presses a kiss to her temple. ‘Worry not, ma’am. I’m yours until the night is over.’

‘You better. If Rafe even breathes in my direction again, I think I’ll pass out.’

‘Keep Rafe Cameron away from Kiara Carrera. Got it.’

‘Thanks.’

He takes a pebble out of his pocket— _does he carry_ pebbles _wherever he goes?_ —and throws it into the ocean. It splashes, quietly, and the ripples feel like they should mean something. 

Instead, Kiara just feels cold. 

‘We should probably head back.’

‘We probably should,’ JJ agrees, but his eyes are transfixed by the delicate movement of the ocean. 

Kiara wonders what’s going through his mind – accepts she’ll never know. 

She turns toward the venue, walking away, when JJ calls for her to wait. He approaches her with a soft smile on his face, catching up with her pace. 

‘You forgot something.’

‘I did?’

JJ nods and takes her hand. He leans closer until she feels his breath warm against the skin on her neck. ‘We’re boyfriend and girlfriend tonight.’

He says it as if he’s reminding her of top-secret information of their top-secret mission, so Kiara interlaces their fingers as she laughs at it. From the distance, she thinks, they must look exactly like how they want to be seen, even without pretending. 

Really, the only difference is the number of times they’ve held each other’s hand and interlaced their fingers. Everything else is just Kiara and JJ.

She doesn’t think about how easy it is to slip into the relationship personas. She doesn’t think about how natural it feels to walk up to her parents for a quick chat with JJ’s fingers playing with hers. She doesn’t think about how nobody ever questions it.

(Maybe she should.)


	2. dinner at the carreras'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have something that’s just theirs, realises Kiara. The experience of Midsummers and the things they found out about one another is something only the two of them share. 
> 
> He doesn’t let go of her hand until he’s back to his old, JJ Maybank-self.
> 
> — in which the pogues find the fake relationship fascinating, and kiara's parents invite jj over for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is _hands: the chapter_ ngl  
> there's fluff, there's angst, and there's some things in the latter half that wrote themselves into the story without my explicit permission and completely sidetracked me and added about 2k words to this monster, but hey, what's new!  
> also, the fic has been retitled from _pretend_ to _almost pretend_ bc i don't like one-word titles and this sounded better lol

two: dinner at the carreras'

‘So, did you guys mack on each other?’

John B’s arm is slung over Sarah’s shoulder as they are both draped over one of the hammocks in Chateau’s backyard. He’s grinning at the trio in the hammock opposite of theirs, mostly at Kiara and JJ. 

‘Please,’ scoffs Kiara. ‘As if I’d ever.’

‘Ouch, Kie.’ Next to her, JJ puts a hand on his chest, pouting. ‘I think I heard my heart crack.’

‘Pope will fix it for you.’

‘Nu-uh, I’m nobody’s mechanic.’

‘Not even for me?’

Pope makes a throwing-away motion with his hand, shaking his head at JJ. ‘Not even for you.’

‘Ouch! You guys are  _ mean _ .’ JJ sighs. He pats Kiara and Pope’s thighs as he pushes himself off the hammock, accompanied with grunts from the two. ‘I’m getting beer. Anyone want some?’

They all say they do, which makes him groan at himself for trying to be nice to them, but goes to get it for them anyway. It feels as if the atmosphere has shifted ever so slightly, with all three remaining people having their eyes trained on Kiara now. 

‘What?’

‘So you really didn’t kiss?’ asks Sarah.

‘No! We didn’t!’ Kiara sighs and lets herself be swallowed by the hammock, taking up the space JJ left empty. Her head is touching Pope’s lap and he’s looking at her as if he’s waiting for her to say something else. ‘Why are you guys being so insistent on that?’

Pope cocks his head to the side, exchanging a quick glance with the other two before looking back at her. ‘I don’t know. We just thought something could’ve happened.’

She feels her chest stiffen. ‘Did you guys make bets?’

‘No,’ says Pope, but he’s an awful liar. ‘No, we didn’t.’

Kiara decides to let it slide.

‘You guys are making me feel uncomfortable. It was just one night and it’s over. We can talk about something else, like asking John B and Sarah if they had enough condoms for their little escapade while Big John was away for the weekend.’

As if on cue, Kiara hears JJ’s footsteps coming from the Chateau, accompanied by a rant about having to carry this many cans all on his own. It’s enough to take the Pogues’ attention away from the topic they’d been discussing, and beer is enough to get them to actually talk about something else. 

JJ comes to sit back down with Kiara and Pope. She doesn’t realise in time, so she doesn’t raise her head up from his spot, but he pulls her legs up and sits down, putting them over his lap instead. 

It’s such a nonchalant, effortless movement that she thinks nobody notices. But JJ’s hands are on her legs and she feels them move as he talks, and it’s difficult to get the group’s previous conversation out of her head. 

_ it’s just jj,  _ she thinks, and the thought releases the heaviness from her chest. 

( _ just john _ , she thinks, and it’s stupid enough to make her light again _. _ )

—

Eventually, though, the conversation  _ does  _ get back to Midsummers. It’s Pope who starts it as they drive back to the Chateau, leftovers from the Wreck in the back of the van with him and JJ. 

‘So, what’s the deal with you two?’ he asks, mouth full of fries. ‘What do you do now that your entire family and Kooklandia think you’re dating?’

Kiara munches on her burger, glancing at Pope. Next to him, JJ is staring at her with a question in his eyes – they haven’t talked about this. 

She stuffs a fry into her mouth and shrugs. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.’

Pope bumps JJ’s shoulder. ‘Hey, now you’ve got to keep pretending until you’re Mr. Carrera and it’s too late to stop.’

‘Hey, if the kooks like me as much as they did that night, I don’t mind.’

‘Ew.’ The boy next to him makes a grimace, scrunching up his nose. ‘Kook sympathiser.’

‘You’re just jealous.’

‘Well, yeah. We all are. Except for Kiara.’

Kiara smiles, rolling her eyes at the half-assed joke, but the words take her back to half-assed smiles the kooks gave her and her family. It takes her back to JJ giving her hand a squeeze and keeping her calm throughout the night, so she looks at the road, instead. 

John B’s concentrated on driving with a burger in one hand, and it’s easier to pretend it’s just the two of them. She knows JJ is perceptive enough to have a better understanding of her kook status than any of the other two – she doesn’t want to see whatever must’ve been on his face after Pope’s words. 

Especially not pity. 

The whole charade is mentioned only once more that night, when they’re having the last of beers, just John B, JJ, and herself. Pope left earlier to get a good night’s sleep as his dad expects him to work first thing in the morning, and Sarah is busy spending time with her family (they’re doing some therapy one of her dad’s friends suggested, because he found out about her brother’s addiction).

‘You know, JJ, you’re one hell of a fake boyfriend,’ Kiara says. She raises her can in the air, exchanging glances with both boys. ‘I wanna cheers to that.’

‘Hell yeah. That’s what I wanted to hear.’

All three of them bump cans into one another, laughing as it takes them a lot more effort than it would if they were sober. 

Next to Kiara, JJ spreads his arms over the couch behind him. ‘You know, it was a good night.’

‘What was he like?’ asks John B. He’s sitting across the two, leaning against the wooden wall. He shakes his head, taking a swig of his beer. ‘JJ in the middle of Kooklandia. I can’t picture that.’

‘Oh, he was loving it,’ Kiara answers. ‘He tricked at least a dozen of them into thinking that they’d do business with him, or whatever. You know, the usual.’

John B laughs. 

‘Yeah. I was a real catch that night.’

Kiara glances at JJ, because his voice seems a little distant, and not in a drunk kind of way. 

He’s looking at the space between the three of them, eyes out of focus. There’s the hint of a smile dancing in one corner of his lips, but it looks like something that’s a reflex, nothing else. JJ looks almost entirely different in that moment – it reminds her of the JJ she spoke to at the beach during the party, when he needed a few minutes of quiet. 

Her hand reaches for his and she gives it a little squeeze. If John B notices, he doesn’t mention it. For a moment, JJ does nothing, but then she feels him applying the same pressure. He raises his head and gives her a little nod, as if he’s saying  _ i’m okay. _

Kiara sends him a smile, before turning to John B. ‘He had all the kook ladies willing to leave their ugly ass husbands for him. The James Dean of our times.’ 

John B laughs and JJ comments how James Dean was actually bisexual and he isn’t, and soon enough, it begins to feel a little less out of place. Still, JJ doesn’t let go of her hand even as he waves around the air with the other one. 

It’s the first time that Kiara notices something has changed since Midsummers. Spending the night with JJ in an environment neither of them felt comfortable in exposed some part of their personalities they haven’t shown to one another before, and not to the pogues, either. She looks at him, now, as he talks about why the movies James Dean starred in are valuable pieces of art, and thinks about how she doesn’t see him the same as before. 

They have something that’s just  _ theirs,  _ realises Kiara. The experience of Midsummers and the things they found out about one another is something only the two of them share. 

He doesn’t let go of her hand until he’s back to his old, JJ Maybank-self.

—

Kiara is at work when her dad tells her to invite  _ John  _ to dinner tomorrow. She’s got her hands full of plates and glasses and nearly just about costs her dad 200 bucks when she almost drops them. 

‘Careful, Kiara!’

‘Sorry,’ she says, turning in the spot. ‘Um, JJ? Are you sure?’

A slight wrinkle appears between Mike’s eyebrows. He flips a steak he’s currently cooking, handling the pan and the spatula at the same time. ‘Yeah. That’s your boyfriend’s name, right? John?’

‘Um. We call him JJ.’

‘JJ, then.’

Mike makes an offhand motion towards the waiting area of the restaurant. The dishes on Kiara’s tray shake as she walks where he directed to, towards a table with a family of four. She manages a smile, but the conversation is cut short when she finds herself incapable of holding one. The mother thanks her and she’s kind enough that Kiara’s newfound jitters don’t end up causing a scene. 

On her way back, she stops at the bar, taking a breather. 

_ fuck.  _

‘You good, Kie?’ From behind the bar, her cousin Iona throws a dish towel over her shoulder, a toothpick in her mouth. ‘Looking a little pale.’

Kiara nods. She glances at her dad, who’s busy taking an order on the phone, and feels herself shudder. ‘All good. Just got a little lightheaded.’

‘You’ve been on your feet too long,’ notes Iona. She grins and cocks her head to the side, towards the backdoor of the restaurant. ‘Go out and take five. I’ll deal with your pops.’

‘Iona, you’re a gem.’

Outside the back of the Wreck, there’s a little wooden bench where Iona usually sits on during her breaks. There’s cigarette butts in the little ashtray on the side of the bench, and she wonder how stressed just does her cousin get. 

(Of course, she’s got better things to wonder about, the ones that are  _ actually  _ causing her to feel like she’s walking on needles, but ignoring them feels better.)

Iona’s been working at the Wreck for about seven years now. At the age of almost twenty-one, she’s the eldest of Kiara’s cousins on her dad’s side and she’s by far the one she’s closest to. They’re friends, kind of, even if they aren’t in the same social circles. Kiara knows Iona’s friend group does drugs harder than weed, and the girl being from the Cut, she’s gotten herself in a fair share of trouble already.

This brings her thoughts back to another person from there who can’t seem to stay out of trouble, and Kiara rubs her forehead with the back of her hand, feeling her shoulders slouch. 

It’s been nearly two weeks since Midsummers and foolishly, she forgot about the whole “dating” situation. Even the pogues stopped harassing her and JJ about what happened, or what  _ might’ve  _ happened.

She forgot. Her parents didn’t. Her parents still think she’s dating JJ because she forgot the part of her plan where she tells them they ended things, amicably, and now she’s too much of a pussy to do it. 

_ fuck _ . 

Kiara just wants to throw something, but the only thing on hand is the ashtray, so she just kicks the bench underneath her. 

It hurts her heel. She curses again and grits her teeth, angrier by the second.

JJ is going to kill her. She  _ promised  _ him it would be a one-time thing and even if he joked to the pogues that he wouldn’t mind doing it again, that doesn’t make it okay. 

It’s been more than five minutes, Kiara is angry and her foot is starting to  _ really  _ hurt and her dad is going to call her back in any second now. Her mind is buzzing – she’s freaking out, a little bit, maybe. 

Her phone’s in her pocket, so she takes it out and shoots JJ a text. It’s short and concise and it explains what’s going on a little better than the one before Midsummers did, but she’s still a jittery bundle of nerves. She even has the urge to bite her nails, or pick at the ends of her hair, which is a  _ JJ  _ thing to do, not  _ Kiara.  _

The phone in her hand buzzes and she pulls down the notification, reading only the first text before opening the chat. Her heart already sets in her chest – the rests of the messages that keep buzzing in only make it calmer. 

_ JJ [7:22pm] _ **ur dads offering free food. of course im coming**

_ JJ [7:22pm]  _ **do you think kiara carreras bf would wear a tie to smth like that or just jeans**

_ JJ [7:23pm]  _ **also does your dad send innocent boys to military**

_ JJ [7:23pm]  _ **that ones for science**

Kiara sends another text, telling JJ to  **stop asking and get into character!** and the fact that he doesn’t even seem upset about this  _ not  _ being a one-time thing, gives her enough rest to finish her shift. Even her dad mentions she’s all chipper when she tells him JJ has agreed to come over, and Iona tells her she knew it was about a boy. 

It doesn’t matter. Kiara finishes the rest of her shift with a spring in her step – for whatever reason, she has a good feeling about this.

—

JJ shows up too soon. It’s just fifteen minutes, but dinner isn’t ready yet and the table isn’t set and the living room is a little bit of a hot mess, so Kiara just takes him to her room. Through the hum of the cooker hood, she hears her dad shout at them to keep the door open, and it relieves some of the tension that anchored itself within her chest. 

If they’re wanting to close the door, it will be for a variety of things they shouldn’t be doing, but sex isn’t one of them. 

JJ plops face-down onto her bed, making a  _ whew!  _ sound. He’s dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with a Kildare County logo, probably stolen from his dad. Kiara told him to dress like he’d dress if he was genuinely going to have dinner with his girlfriend’s parents for the first time (and now she’s slightly regretting not actually choosing the outfit). 

‘You’re not going to impress anyone looking like that,’ she notes, getting into a cross-legged position next to him. 

He pushes himself off the mattress, just enough to prop his torso on his elbows. ‘Are you saying I’m not parent-approved?’

‘I don’t know. You might not be.’

‘Shit. What if they make you break up with me?’

Kiara covers her mouth with her hand, shaking her head in feigned disbelief. ‘But you’re my true love!’

‘It’s okay.’ JJ’s hand is on her knee and his expression is soft, enough to make her almost believe in it. ‘Love always finds a way.’

It’s almost good enough, Kiara tells herself,  _ almost.  _ Because there’s little wrinkles in his forehead and a gleam to his eyes and the curve of his lips is somehow different than she’s used to, a little less prominent but somehow  _ more _ , and suddenly Kiara is thinking of a lot of things at once. 

What she does is roll back in laughter, sticking her hands in her hair. She looks at JJ, and he’s smiling right back at her. 

‘You’re a terrific actor,’ she tells him. ‘I don’t think we’ll have any problems tonight.’

‘You, on the other hand…’

‘Oh, excuse me!’ She pushes him so he loses his balance and falls on his side, groaning. ‘I’ll have you know that I’m good at acting.’

JJ scofs. He shakes his head and his hair loses some, if nearly all of its composure. ‘Sure, yeah, I remember how that play went in sixth grade.’

‘We don’t talk about that.’

‘We don’t?’

Kiara shakes her head. 

‘Must’ve missed the memo, then. They didn’t give it to actually good actors.’

JJ receives a playful slap on the back and just as she begins to tickle him, her mother calls their names from downstairs. They smoothen each other’s clothes, looking for any wrinkles and imperfections, and JJ’s thumb brushes off a smudge of chapstick he caused by tickling Kiara when she was putting it on.

(‘What are you wearing lipstick for?’

‘It’s cherry chapstick, dumbass. So my lips aren’t crusty. Smell it.’)

Neither of them is taken aback by the intimacy of the action, even if the edge of Kiara’s lips burns where he touched it. Her dad calls them again and Kiara’s fingers go through JJ’s blonde hair fixing it into a little bit less of a mess, but still messier than he came with. 

He glances at himself in the mirror and frowns at Kiara through it. ‘Why did you mess it up?’

Kiara smiles. ‘Can’t have you too perfect, I don’t want them to like you  _ too  _ much. Anyway, let’s go eat.’

—

Dinner at the Carreras’, especially when there’s people over to impress, is a  _ big  _ deal. Kiara’s dad is the owner of the Wreck, which is one of the two restaurants from the island that employ people  _ from  _ the island, as opposed to Figure Eight’s staff imported from some of the finest restaurants on the mainland. That means he gets down and dirty, and adores preparing meals, so whatever he’s going to serve is going to be nothing short of a five-star meal. 

When they came down to the table, Mike and Anna had prepared a full feast. Roast chicken with onion and sage stuffing sat in the middle, a variety of salads and toppings and side dishes scattered around it. They didn’t know what JJ liked, and when Kiara said that he’ll eat just about anything he can get his hands on, even mouldy bread, Mike decided to show the boy what a dinner is.

There are times when Kiara wonders if he’s heard stories about Luke Maybank – if he has an inkling of what’s happening behind closed doors in the Maybank family. 

In any case, both Carreras were right. JJ ended up tasting a bit of everything, taking as much as he could and showering her dad with compliments. 

They’re ready for dessert, JJ finally having admitted that he’s left just enough room for it, and Anna invites Kiara to come along to the kitchen. 

‘He’s a lovely boy,’ her mom notes. 

_ ‘Mom _ !’ 

Kiara leans back a little, just enough to see through the kitchen door. JJ has a smile on his face as he chats to her dad, and even though she can tell there’s a little bit of fearful respect hiding behind it, it’s better than she could’ve hoped for. 

The thought brings out a smile to her face, too. ‘He is.’

‘You should’ve introduced him to us sooner.’ Her mom hands her a clean plate one after the other, and Kiara stacks them. ‘Your dad seems to like him.’

Her eyebrows perk up at Anna’s words. ‘He does?’

‘Mhm. I haven’t seen him this interested in a boy in a long time, even the ones working for him.’ 

‘But he’s interrogating him,’ Kiara counters. 

‘He’s making sure John is—sorry, JJ is the right person for you and won’t screw you over.’

All Kiara gives in response is a sigh. She watches her mother cut the cake she made (her dad  _ sucks  _ at baking) and she can already tell JJ is going to love it. It’s got custard filling on the inside, between the biscuit layers, and chocolate sprinkles on top with a crunchy crust on the outside. 

It’s yet another thought that makes her smile. 

Anna places a piece on the plate Kiara is currently holding. It’s not supposed to take long, but she is as diligent as her husband when it comes to food, so it does. 

Kiara can overhear the conversation taking place in the dining room, but not enough to be able to tell apart what they’re talking about. She can only hope it isn’t about her. 

‘You know,’ her mom begins, putting a piece on another plate. ‘It’s very obvious that he cares a lot for you.’

‘Obviously, he’s my best friend. And boyfriend,’ she adds, quickly. ‘Best friend and boyfriend.’

‘The winning combination.’ Anna gives her daughter one of her rare, earnest smiles. ‘I can see it in his eyes, you know. When he looks at you, it’s as if you’re the only thing he sees.’

Kiara shifts the plates in her hands, maneuvering them around, really doing just about anything she can to hide her face from her mother. She knows she’s blushing—she feels the heat in her cheeks, on her neck, on her freaking  _ palms _ —and she doesn’t want that to be seen. 

‘Don’t hide from me, I can tell what you’re doing. You’ve got the same look in your eyes, you know? It’s not something to be ashamed of.’

_ it is when you’re not actually dating,  _ Kiara thinks, but bites her tongue before the words slip out.

She just nods, manages to come up with a smile and follows back into the dining room. Anna is the one who presents the cake and just like Kiara thought, JJ hardly contains himself before reaching for his piece (and then a few more). She likes seeing him enjoy himself; she likes seeing him happy, even if her dad terrifies him. 

Kiara has some cake, too, and listens to JJ tell a story from his childhood. He leaves out a few major details that would classify the story as illegal, and both her parents laugh at it. 

At some point, JJ notices something’s up with her. He doesn’t say anything, listening intently to Anna’s tales about being a lawyer since JJ expressed some interest in the profession, but his hand finds hers under the table. It’s a subtle touch, more of a question than a statement, and Kiara’s fingers intertwine with his. 

Some time later, her parents get involved in a few exchanges between themselves only, and JJ glances at her with eyebrows raised in question. 

She nods, with a smile, and feels her hand squeezed. 

—

JJ asks her if she wants to go for a walk once Kiara’s parents have retreated from the kitchen. Both he and Kiara have offered to help out with the cleaning, but Anna was adamant that they don’t, so there was quite literally nothing else to do. 

Outside, the air is chilly. Kildare island smells of the sea, wherever you go, and Kiara often thinks she could never be away from the sea. It’s the one thing she associates with home – the distinct smell of salt mixed with oak trees and freshly mowed grass, occasional bonfire and barbecue. 

That is what comes to mind when someone says  _ home.  _ She isn’t much of a person who ties herself to places or people as her anchors, but memories are where she finds herself dwelling. Memories and experiences. 

This part of the island is quiet. Her and JJ’s steps on the gravel path are the only thing she can hear that isn’t animals, really. It’s calming and terrifying, to not hear children playing outside even so late at night, like she always hears when she’s on her way home from the Chateau. 

‘What’re you thinking about?’

Kiara glances at JJ, shaking her head a little, smiling a little more. ‘Everything,’ she says. ‘This is going to sound stupid, but I think I’m starting to appreciate what I’ve got. Friends, family, work, all the memories I’ve made here… It’ll be difficult to let go of it someday.’

JJ chuckles, dryly, but doesn’t say anything. His footsteps fall into the same rhythm as her and he edges just a little bit closer. ‘Do you often think about leaving?’

His voice is curious, but it’s low and slow in a way that’s making her wonder if there’s more behind the question. He doesn’t look at her when he asks it – he’s looking forward instead, eyebrows a little furrowed and shoulders hunched. 

‘Sometimes,’ admits Kiara. ‘I think about college, and sometimes about what happens after. I always thought I’d go out there, travel the world, try to save as much of it as I can, but I don’t know anymore. There’s people who need help here, too. People I see every day.’ She pauses, glancing at him. ‘Recently, I’ve been thinking that maybe I’d come back here after college.’

JJ nods without a word.

She doesn’t think about him when she mentions the people who could use her help, and she wants to backtrack on that statement, but it feels like the deed is done. There’s only hoping he understands she doesn’t see him as someone needing fixing. 

‘You think you’d stay?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve got some time to decide.’ Kiara glances at him again and this time, he’s got an expression on his face that she can’t read. He’s thinking about something, she can tell, but beyond that he’s a mystery. ‘What about you?’

‘I’m leaving.’ His voice is sharp and deadpan, no thinking behind it. ‘As soon as I’ve got high school sorted, I’m out.’

‘Just like that?’

JJ nods. ‘You’re going to be at college or travelling the world. Pope is going to be a big shot somewhere far away from here, where he can actually have a future. John B and Sarah are going to do whatever floats their boat, but considering their Romeo and Juliet status here, they won’t stick around, either. There’ll be nothing keeping me here.’

_ no friends, no family, no future,  _ Kiara understands. Her stomach churns at the realisation that unlike her, JJ didn’t spend a moment thinking about his answer. He’d had it prepared – he’d thought of it enough times to know it by heart. 

They walk in silence, because what do you say when you realise your relationship with the person next to you has an expiration date and it’s approaching at a rapid speed?

It was supposed to be a good evening. 

Kiara wants to bump shoulders with him, brush his hand, give him any sign that would say  _ i’m not gone yet,  _ yet all she does is wrap her arms around herself. ‘You know we’re always going to be a team, right? The pogues are for life.’

He chuckles, shaking his head. ‘Nah, that’s just a dream. We’re all going to move on, someday.’

‘Is that how you see us?’

JJ looks at her and she has never, in her entire life, seen him so  _ certain.  _ ‘That’s the way it is.’

They reach the end of the path and looking around saves Kiara from showing her reaction. She leads them toward the beach, through the trees with only the moon to shine their way, and hopes he won’t try to see her face in the darkness. 

With her chest getting heavy and eyes teary, Kiara shoves those emotions in the back of her mind. 

_ the pogues are forever,  _ she thinks,  _ even if i have to make you realise that. _

The tension between them isn’t like usual. It’s heavy with things they aren’t saying, loaded with emotions they’re both trying to hide; it’s a line there’s no uncrossing. 

‘Kie.’ JJ’s hand catches her arm and he waits until she turns to face him. ‘I didn’t mean to sound like I don’t care about you. I just—’ he stops himself and shakes his head, letting his hand fall to his side. ‘I don’t want to be disappointed. I need to keep myself in check. If I’m wrong, I’d – fuck, I’d give  _ anything  _ to be wrong about this.’

She steps closer to him, wondering if her face is a book he can read word for word. Her hands longs to touch his, to give him the physical support she knows he needs, but she doesn’t let it. 

Instead, she puts on what she hopes is a reassuring smile, and blinks the emotions away. ‘There’s nothing wrong with a little hope.’

‘I can’t afford hope,’ he states. 

‘JJ—’

‘It’s okay.’ He takes a step back and Kiara feels the space between them like a blow to her chest. ‘We’re just kids, Kie. We’re not meant to be  _ forever _ , or some shit like that. Hell, there’s shit about me that you wouldn’t even like if you knew. Right in front of your eyes and I’m pretending—’

‘Tell me, then,’ Kiara cuts him off. ‘I bet I’ll know it already.’

He closes the same distance he’d previously put between them and they’re almost chest to chest, almost close enough for her to feel his breath on her lips. 

JJ has fire in his eyes, one that one he knows why it’s burning. ‘The kooks, I— I’m a hypocrite, Kie. I say I hate them when I really envy how fucking  _ easy  _ they have it. How one night with them when they think I’m one of them gives me more opportunities than I’ve had in the entire seventeen years of my life.’

‘ _ That _ ’s what this is about? Midsummers?’

Something shuts in him and he steps away, further than before, walking towards the beach. Kiara catches up, falling in step with him. She doesn’t want him to run away from her and she isn’t going to let him. 

‘JJ, you can’t just  _ do this _ .’

‘You don’t understand.’ He doesn’t stop walking, or slow down, and his strides are bigger than hers. 

‘Let me try.’

He shakes his head; Kiara sees his fists curled as they swing at his sides, and reaches for one of them. The way his hand relaxes in his is instantaneous and instinctive, as if he were ice and she were fire. 

JJ’s steps slow until they come to a halt. He leans his back against a tree without letting go of her hand; when he faces her, his eyes glimmer in the darkness. 

‘They kept mentioning my dad, and how good he’s always been with boats,’ he tells her. His voice begins rushed but calms to a steady pace, almost as if the words are hurting as they come out. ‘Then they started asking me questions about their boats, and I could guess what might be wrong with them and they thought it was amazing. They thought I had a _gift._ ’ He pauses for a second; she hears him swallow. ‘In reality, I learnt boats because my dad would beat me if I didn’t recognise a boat he was fixing. I had to know all that shit because if I didn’t remember the horsepower, no one did, because he sure as hell couldn’t.’

A shiver runs down her spine. JJ’s voice is distant but pained and she recognises it all too well. She doesn’t know what to say, so she gives his hand a squeeze and steps a little closer, enough to hold him if he needs her to. 

He’s looking right through her. ‘I know boats because I had to. I always thought it was a curse, a burden, whatever. But they…’ JJ pauses, shakes his head, composes himself. ‘They saw someone who understands their boats like no one else. They gave me contacts of people who could use my  _ expertise _ , offered me more jobs than I could take. And I saw my way out. I saw myself as one of them, eventually, with a nice three-piece, a fancy house, and someone else to take care of my shit.’

Kiara’s eyes stare at his, waiting for them to come back into focus. He’s warm and trembling, and their hands are beginning to sweat, but she doesn’t let go. She watches him, his chest heaving, and waits for him to come back to her. 

His thumb brushes her knuckles. JJ rests his head against the tree trunk, too, and closes his eyes for a few moments. 

Now she understands why she recognised the way he’s been acting since they started the conversation – it’s the same distant, almost ethereal way he held himself that night during Midsummers, when he brought her out to the ocean. 

Now there’s no waves to drown the silence. 

‘I hate it,’ he whispers. ‘I hate how much I liked their attention. I hate that I’ve been exchanging messages and emails and calls with some of them, arranging how I’d come take a look at their boats and yachts and whatever shit they’ve got parked in their private harbours.’

‘That’s not a bad thing,’ Kiara tells him, her voice hoarse. His eyes flutter then open, not seeing through her anymore. ‘I know you, JJ. I know why you’re saying this, and I get it. But you don’t have to hold onto those grudges anymore. People are shitty.’

He laughs, dryly, but Kiara still considers it an improvement from what he was like only moments before. 

She steps closer to him. ‘You understand boats in a way no one I know does, JJ. It might be because of your dad, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t use it. That it can’t bring you something  _ good _ .’

‘It feels wrong.’

‘To want something better for yourself?’

JJ nods, and Kiara’s heart shatters. ‘JJ,  _ no.  _ You’re not a hypocrite for realising the world doesn’t work the way you thought it does. There’s no good or bad people, right or wrong side of anything. That’s called growing up.’

‘Does being a grown up feel shitty?’

It’s a light attempt at a joke, half-hearted and half-assed, and Kiara gives him a half-smile and a half-chuckle. ‘Yeah, based on everything I’ve heard.’

‘Ugh. Can’t wait.’

Kiara tugs on his hand until he looks at her. She hesitates, for a moment, but then wraps her arms around him and pulls him close. There’s a moment in which she doesn’t know if she overstepped his boundaries, if this is something she shouldn’t have done, but then she feels his hands gentle on her back and she thinks  _ it’s okay, i’ve got you. _

When they part, she ruffles his hair, just like she did before they went down to have dinner with her parents. She does that with a smile and to the question in his eyes, she says, ‘Can’t have you looking too sad.’

JJ just sighs and pushes himself off the tree. ‘You’re so dramatic, Kie.’

He gets back on the path and Kiara follows, navigating them through the woods. There’s a spring in his step that she didn’t even notice had been gone for a while, and she doesn’t comment on it. 

‘Says the one who just had a monologue that would put Hamlet to shame.’ 

‘Please,’ he says, ‘Shakespeare ain’t got nothing on me.’

Kiara laughs and bumps his shoulder, causing both of them to almost lose balance at the touch. 

JJ stabilises himself and looks at her. His eyes are wrinkled with mellowness to them, a faint smile tracing his lips. ‘Thanks,’ he says. 

‘Anytime. You’re my fake boyfriend, after all.’

The words make him laugh just as they reach a clearing leading toward the open sea. The moon shines bright high up above them and he speeds up, almost running to water. 

Kiara wonders if maybe she isn’t the only one who considers a place that makes people feel like this  _ home.  _

JJ takes off his shoes and dips his toes into the water, watching her do the same. ‘You know, if pretending to be your boyfriend means I keep getting delicious food that’s also  _ free,  _ I’m down for doing it whenever. Seriously. This has been the highlight of my summer so far.’

Stepping into the water until it’s above her ankles, Kiara frowns. 

So far, this summer, they’ve had a road trip in John B’s van through the whole of North Carolina, thrown a few of the best keggers of their lives, nearly set the entire Chateau on fire amongst many other things. 

So she just shakes her head in disbelief. ‘Seriously?’

‘Mhm.’

JJ’s hand touches the water and throws it in her direction, sprinkling her. She fakes a grunt and then he laughs with ease, with no heaviness in it, and she feels her own chest to be a little lighter, too. 

Her hands are on his chest, pushing him backwards. ‘Well in that case, Mr.  _ John _ , I’ve got a gig for you. My mom’s cousin is getting married at the end of August and I  _ desperately  _ need a chaperone.’

He cocks his head to the side, a grin taking over his face. ‘Then you’ve got yourself one, Miss Kiara.’

Then he reaches down with both hands and splashes her with water until she’s completely soaked and so is he and they’re laughing, and Kiara thinks that maybe there’s some hope for the pogues left in him, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to thank everyone who's left a comment on the first chapter! i'll admit i nearly gave up halfway through writing it, but now i'm glad i didn't because you guys seem to be liking it so far. also, i thought this would be about 15-20k but now i have no clue, because it's getting a little bit out of hand. but hey, the more the merrier, right?
> 
> also, in my head iona looks like zendaya, if anyone's wondering. she's one of the very few original characters.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed it! this thing is fully planned out and i'm making myself finish it no matter what it takes. in the meantime, you can come hang out with me on [tumblr](https://maybankiara.tumblr.com)!


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